Our elders often lose both physical and/or cognitive function as they succumb to the natural process of aging. This renders them in need of guidance and assistance and may need their families and caregivers to completely take over decisions or activities that they can no longer perform. It can be very difficult for the elder to accept from their children the help they need.
It can also be very difficult for adult children to know how to help their parents navigate these life changes and know when and how to support them. Here are a few tips to consider when “parenting your parents.”
1. Give them space to grieve their independence.
Elders mourn the loss of independence, just as they would the loss of a loved one or the loss of a limb. Give the elders in your life space to grieve the loss of their former independent selves. Know that grief is messy and understand that in their denial and bargaining, they may not be open to accepting the help you are trying to give. It’s not personal and it’s not about you.
Be patient. Just like a teenager will fight to gain independence, your aging parent will fight to keep it.
2. Pay attention to driving clues.
Self-limitation of driving is sometimes the first clue to driving impairment in older adults. Statistically, most accidents happen within a 10-mile radius of home, so an elder who says “I don’t drive far” is not necessarily cutting their risk of an accident.
Driving is a complex task that requires all of the following: selective and divided attention, working and long-term memory, gross and fine motor skills, cognitive and physical function, and visual and kinesthetic awareness.
An astute driver needs to be able to react quickly and appropriately to unpredictable occurrences in high-risk situations. Cognitive overload occurs when the complexities of the task overwhelm the older driver and can lead to accidents.
As you would worry about putting an inexperienced teen driver in control of a vehicle, you should consider whether your older parents are truly safe to operate a vehicle. Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you feel safe in the passenger seat with them behind the wheel?
- Do they often need a “co-pilot” when driving?
- Have they had a few minor fender-benders?
3. Offer decision support only when needed.
While a teen needs support and encouragement in making decisions about their own lives, they also come to expect the “space” to do so. Your elderly parents are no different. Just like a teenager, they may not always want or feel the need to have your input.
Offer assistance where needed, especially for big decisions and if you are concerned about cognitive impairment—but do so with respect. Pick your battles and prioritize your involvement in decisions that have the biggest impact, such as major healthcare or financial decisions.
4. Give them grace around the big move.
They say, “home is where the heart is,” which is why it is so devastating for seniors who, because of functional or cognitive decline, can no longer safely live in their homes.
Understand that if your parents are in this situation, you need to expect resistance to any suggestion that they need to move out of their home and into another environment. Aging is fraught with changes that sometimes mean the loss of what is comfortable and familiar; and there is grief in that loss.
Support your parents’ aging in place by being proactive about home safety, fall prevention and additional caregiving when needed. Share with them that the willingness to accept help may be the price they pay for being able to continue to live in their home.
Likewise, accepting the need to move from home to a senior living community may be the price they pay for being able to hold on to some of their independence… which brings us full circle and back to where our discussion began!
Here are 3 sources of information that can help as you navigate providing support for elderly parents and other family members:
As parents age, a growing number of family caregivers are struggling in an unfamiliar role as parental figure to their own elderly parents. Suddenly, the tables have turned and determining to how accept and settle into this new dynamic can be challenging. There are a few steps that family caregivers can take to help ease the rigors of “parenting” your own elderly parents.
Allow yourself to mourn the “loss” of your parent.
Although they have not passed away, the person that you knew as your mother or father may be changing rapidly. It is okay to feel sad or angry about your relationship changing, and to allow yourself to mourn the loss of your previous relationship.
Maintain respect in your communications.
Elderly parents may be stubborn as well as embarrassed that they require assistance from their children for what was once a simple task, like bathing or getting to the grocery store. While caregiving in and of itself can be stressful, it is imperative to talk to your parents respectfully and ask them to do the same.
Set boundaries in your caregiving duties.
Regardless of how much you love your mother or father, neither of you may be comfortable with having to assist him or her with bathing or toileting. However, taking the time to establish boundaries of what you are capable of, and comfortable doing, will allow you to create a care plan for your parents with which all parties are confident. Remember, outside help, like that of a home care provider, can assist with tasks that are outside of your comfort zone.
Plan ahead to ensure security.
Long-term care can drain a family’s financial resources. However, by taking time to plan ahead, children may still be able to talk with their parents about available resources in the estate to pay for care, as well as their desires for long-term care. A realistic plan may help you feel as though there is some roadmap for your parents’ future, as well as yours as a caregiver, and provide relative peace of mind in an otherwise unnerving situation.
Get support.
Finding support as you transition into the role of caregiver is imperative to avoid harming your own mental and physical well-being. An overload of stress can quickly lead to medical conditions such as high blood pressure and depression, as well as overall feelings of anxiousness and fear. Support from siblings and friends and turning to online forums and local support groups are some healthy ways to cope. Transitioning from the role of child to parent is a major change in the parent-child relationship. Regardless of your previous relationship with your parents, it’s important to recognize your emotions about the transition and allow yourself to grieve in the process.
